It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
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Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A