@TeflonPawn: It's only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser: Do you have any motivational books? Yeah, they're in the back. (long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
@withanewname: Teacher: We're going to need you to work with your daughter on humility. Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I'll give it a shot.
@The_Grant_Boldt: "Hi can I just have a single burger?" I'm sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship "But that's not eve- Please show some respect
@briancthayer: [exchanging vows] HIM: I'll love you forever. HER: I'll love you until you leave me a voicemail. HIM: Wait, what?! PRIEST: No, that's fair.