It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
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Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs