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@ScrambledMceggs: It's only an overdose if you're dead.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Waiter: Hey folks, how's your food?
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
@therealeatwood: We get it, painters: you love naked women and bowls of fruit.
@PaperWash: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
@Michael_Erhart: I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
@WilliamAder: Whenever someone jokingly replies, "Blocked," I laugh and laugh and then go check.