The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
be careful
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
They say women only use 10% of their anger
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!