Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
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6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
This will never not be funny to me.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
yes… yes…
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.