“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
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A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted