It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
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I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!