It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
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Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?