It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
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Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot