It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
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911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
🙋♀️