“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
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[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then