@doctorveritas: "It's possible to touch birds!" I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
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@OtherDanOBrien: *I throw u a kiss* *u duck* *it flies into space* [6 bn yrs later - the planet Xargx] LORD ZARG: Kill the- *kiss hits his cheek* LZ: Aww nvm
@stevevsninjas: Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
@GayAtHomeDad: When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
@deardilettante: I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.