its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
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me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
next question.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.