its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
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Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I love wikipedia
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
wow
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.