Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
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Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
#parenting
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.