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Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.