My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
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Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College