“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
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Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
eggs benadryl
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
2022 will be better than 2021