Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
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Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick