My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
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Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.