It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
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Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂