It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
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Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Worst Native American name ever.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]