Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
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friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
My teenage children choosing violence
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this