@Procaffinator: Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
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@TheMichaelRock: The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.
@Parkerlawyer: Broke my make-up mirror this morning. I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it's been, "Your eyeliner is really crooked."
@ChrisHallbeck: This package of bacon says it's "naturally hardwood smoked" as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.