Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
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There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it