“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
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texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
🤣😈🤣
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.