“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
You Might Also Like
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Reporter: *ports again*
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?