It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
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the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”