It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.