It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
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Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.