A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
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I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.