@rickkondell: Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
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@Quadricycle: [At restaurant] I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! But I'm on a diet so... [To waiter] Do you have diet horse?
@PaperWash: Things more likely to kill you than Ebola: - choking on a wheat thin - erotic asphyxiation - falling off the toilet - a duck with a gun
@SirEviscerate: Ugh, I'm starting to regret getting bangs. "You don't have bangs." Wait, what's that thing you get when a bat bites you? "Rabies?" That's it
@Dmvm1977: Whenever I'm feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits. Today I'm writing my bosses obituary.