Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
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Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]