Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
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ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.