I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
pizza
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Cha-ching is my safe word
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.