@LoriLuvsShoes: It's really cute how my 16 slams her bedroom door, in the house that I pay for, every time she gets pissed off. So...I took away the door
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@Just_Lee_: Romantic subtweets are like watching a couple kissing in a restaurant. We're all very happy for you but it still makes us want to vomit.
@TheDjinnTrials: Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don't notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
@DancesWithTamis: In an incredible turn of events we've been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
@WilliamAder: They're not called "butt hole mirrors." They're called "hand mirrors," according to this clerk at Walgreens.