Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
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Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
What’s a Messi?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??