It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.