It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey