@weinerdog4life: Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I'm a mean cat

@Phook75: If I'm ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC's without singing the song tell my family I loved them

@writerPT: *Runs 6 miles* *Adds Kenyan to resume*

@slimmy_shady: This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

@notalogin: On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you're in there for, say "the food" so all the other prisoners know you're a loose cannon.