I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
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I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.