Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Boating season is upon us.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
🛁
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
BaD BoY!!
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder