@QueenofSparta: Its rubbish trying to adjust a g-string in your Batman suit.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running? Me: Of course. Can't have these bodies at room temperature
@KngHnryVIII: When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don't eat it. #FathersDay
@RocketRankoon: Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
@heartlessX0: Bartender: "Do you want a drink, miss?"nnMe: "What are my choices?"nnBartender: "Yes or No."