I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
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David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
It’s the weekend y’all
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.