It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens