@Fickle_Filly: It's rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that's exactly what's going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
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@ch000ch: i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
@goldengateblond: Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I'm hiring her as my personal trainer.
@JoshuaHvr: Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I'm Tweeting." Boss: "What's the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
@KimmyMonte: Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don't like any of the current presidential candidates