It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
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Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT