It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
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Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Sometimes? I’m slipping
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call