It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
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Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Netflix and you sit over there.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.