It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.