It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
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Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”