It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
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And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.