We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
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It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.