“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
*jingles half the way*
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?