@bridger_w: It's Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
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@slimmy_shady: My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
@Rollinintheseat: Friend: "I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage." Me: "Fred or Ben?"
@ComedicBust: GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let's go exploring. Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]
@thepunningman: Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water Waiter: No problem, I'll get you a new one Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports